I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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