plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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