I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
