My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
