Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
