my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
