Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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