it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
