i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize