loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
