I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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