i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
