Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
