Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
