does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
