my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
