I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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