Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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