he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
