My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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