i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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