If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
