She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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