I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
