i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
