Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
