she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
