I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
