i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
