I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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