i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
