Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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