dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
