I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
