Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
This is the high leading the old right now
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize