At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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