my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
