Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
