On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
