There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
