Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
