There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
