guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
