bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
