Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
