Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You can't special order awesome
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
