Kiss
Puke
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
She bit a glass in half.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
