He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I touched a dick in church today
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
