i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
