my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
