guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
