you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
