I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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