We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize